It's starting to sink in that I will be leaving very soon. I dont know that I will truly feel as though Im actually finally going to Mercy till I walk through the front doors. I have been waiting for this, as patiently as possible, for so long now that I cant believe its finally about to happen! My emotions are mixed & very bittersweet... Im hopeful, fearful, excited, uncertain, anxious, sad & most of all grateful.
This is completely different from anything that I have ever done before in so many ways, which is not a bad thing at all. When I have sought treatment for my ED in the past I never experienced having to wait. Before I was able to pick up the phone, tell the facility I needed/wanted help, get the insurance approval & within a few days I was there. With Mercy I had to apply, have an interview, be accepted, & wait for anundetermined amount of time. And treatment at Mercy doesnt begin when I walk through the doors, even though I tried to pull that off. It has been going on theentiretime I've been on the waiting list. I've done assignments & was given a meal plan to follow & many other things to prepare me for my time there. For a while I attempted to 'please' Mercy by doing all that was asked of me, BUT follow the meal plan & not continue to lose weight. This got me nowhere closer to admittance to Mercy only further away & at risk of losing the opportunity to go because of my lack of willingness, motivation & positive progress.
In all honesty, its strange going into treatment not completely suffocated by my ED.Its been important for me to remember that just because I've made some progress physically, mentally & spiritually doesnt mean I dont still need help. Trust me, I have thought numerous times after getting out of the hospital in August that Mercy was not needed. Luckily I have an awesome support system to hold me accountable in following through with going to Mercy (thanks yall)!
Mercy is a piece of my recovery journey & a vital one at that. I've gotten some good physical stability under my belt from being in the hospital, now its time to get to the real healing spiritually! Just because this is a incomparable path of receiving help & I'm in a different place than I usually am doesnt mean that is not needed. Different is good, especially since what Im 'used to' hasnt worked. Im sure the mixed emotions about all this have to do with the unknown of this whole journey ahead of me... a sense of being out of control, which I despise! I believe Im holding on to something that I need to give to God...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans
to give you hope and a future."