Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Where I've been & Where I'm going...

My life story up until now has been far from what I ever dreamed my life would be like. The journey I have been on has been quite a roller coaster… I’ve experienced happiness, loss, hurt, abuse, love, growth, a need to control, fear, anxiety, peace, understanding, pain, depression, shame & hope. God has definitely rocked my world, continually reminding me that I am nothing without Him, but in Him I can do ALL THINGS, including overcoming the obstacles I face.

It has taken me years to grasp this concept that the Lord is my only source to true freedom. I have struggled with anorexia & many other life-stealing issues for 12 years now. My eating disorder (ED) first surfaced as a completely innocent action of simply ‘watching what I ate.’ You see I grew up being really thin (not on purpose) & received lots of comments about how little I was. Ill never forget my dad always saying I had bird legs and calling me Olive Oil (from Popeye). He wasn’t the only one to comment though, many others had their own things to say. I never took offense to any of the comments, they were a compliment to me. Little did I or anyone else know that this attention I got from my thinness reinforced my desire to stay thin. Needless to say, as I began to experience the loveliness of puberty, I unconsciously wanted to maintain my thinness. Its crazy how something so innocent can turn into something that steals your life from you. I had no idea what I was getting myself into…

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

I simply wanted to feel in control of something, because everything around me seemed to be changing or out of my hands. Between losing to death or distance, changes in my body, the ups & downs of relationships & many other circumstances many of us experience growing up. I hated all the uncertainty & the powerlessness I was continually battling day to day over many people, places & circumstances. The truth of the matter was… I didn’t trust the Lord & the fact that he was in control & has known the whole time what he was doing with my life & all things I was dealing with, both good & bad. But since I was unable to give my worries to the Lord, I tried my best control them myself through anorexia. Before I knew it the once innocent action of dieting wasn’t so simple anymore. The control I longed for & felt like I had a glimpse of at first soon consumed every aspect of my life.

This illusion of control I felt I had actually has had control over me. My once innocent desire for control has literally starved my body, starved my heart & completely starved my soul leaving me empty & guilty of allowing satan to steal from me so many things. As a believer I have the choice to choose freedom through Christ or death through my sinful ways. My desire is to receive & fully embrace the free gift of an abundant life that is mine through Christ by actively turning away from sin. This sounds simple, but it’s not… having lived in the grips of anorexia for so long I’ve developed a way of life with this disease playing a major role in who I am & what I do. Ill be honest, its scary thinking of life without an ED, because its all Ive known for so long. To me my eating disorder is my identity, my best friend, my comfort, my strength, my control & has ultimately become my god. But in all that my ED has taken away from me I look forward to the freedom that’s all mine!

“For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8:13-17

My motivation for keeping a blog about my journey of healing my heart, body, mind & soul is to share with each of you how the Lord has been doing & will continue to do in my life. I also want to keep everyone who has been so kind to pray for me up to date on my journey & to offer hope to anyone struggling with any sort of hurt, unhealthy habit or hang up.

For those of you who don’t know, I will be leaving for Mercy Ministries in Nashville, TN October 13, 2009 (see below for more info about Mercy). At Mercy I will continue my journey of healing for about 6 months. While I am away I plan to keep you updated by writing about my experiences & sending them home for my mom to post on here. Im sure she will also keep you updated by what I write her in personal letters to her & our conversations on the phone.

Yah, so I’m not going to have access to a computer, ahhhh!!! Im sure I’ll live though, ha! It will be good for me to get away & stay focused on the Lord & my recovery. If your interested in going old school & writing me by snail mail I’d love to hear from you! Please know that I will do my best to write you back, but will be very busy while I am away.

The address is: Meagan Vrba

c/o Mercy Ministries

15328 Old Hickory Blvd

Nashville, TN 37211

Thank you so much for your continued prayers, support & words of encouragement. They are all very much appreciated & felt. I am incredibly blessed to have you all as a part of my life!

Much love- Meagan

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