As you may have noticed its been quite a while since I have written and since its been so long I have so many thoughts running through my head about what I want to write about and that the Lord has laid on my heart to write about.. Ha, over the past weeks I have made a list of different things and it’s beginning to become a bit lengthy. I thought that I should do something about it… The last month and a half have been a whirlwind, very busy, with a few ups and downs in between. I have desired to write and share but haven’t made it a point to sit down and do it. Some of my reasons are valid and some are silly excuses. I am not here to explain away why I haven’t had a chance to write out of a need to please or seek forgiveness, BUT I do want to share my for the sake of sharing what the Lord has laid on my heart about what has kept me away.
I do love to write, share and be honest with you all about my journey, but let me just say being honest and doing life is hard! Not only is there the fear of what other people think…a fear of rejection, but there is also accountability that comes from the honesty of what I write. I also have this desire to people please and come across as though my writing is perfect and profound (minus the typos) and everything in my life is butterflies and rainbows; that I don’t struggle living life anymore after being at Mercy and everything is hunky-dory! Therefore I don’t write because:
1) It drains me to write share with ’perfection,’
2) If I share what I think people want to hear rather than the truth, I am lying…a hypocrite, a whitewashed Pharisee, and
3) If I am honest there is no secret, no hiding, and I am now more apt to receive an even deeper accountability than before, one that honestly scares me. But this process of honesty will create a life of more of HIM, my God, and a lot less of me.
So, the other morning I was walking, praying and thinking about all this blogging business. God shared shared with me that all my reasons and excuses for not writing are obsolete, and my fleshly desires to write for attention and praise are selfish. He would much rather me not write at all than to write for my own boost of ego. He asked me, ‘Meagan, are you writing this blog for yourself - your need to feel good about yourself and your need to please or is this blog for Me; to share honestly your walk with Me and all that I am doing in your life?’ Wow God, thanks for the straightforwardness. ;) I now have no more reasons or excuses to not share his Gospel by sharing what he is doing in my life. My expectations and desires for this blog and my life are continually being aligned with Him. I want to share God’s heart and I want to do it for NO other reason but to bring praise, honor and glory to him and to share with you the fact that if He can do it for me, He can and will do it for YOU! In sharing I am taking a step of obedience as well as being more vulnerable and authentic than I actually feel comfortable with.
With all that said, let me just share how gracious God has been this past couple of weeks. I have been struggling a lot with the fact that I still struggle with thoughts, temptations and slipups with my old ways. I believe I, without even realizing it sometimes, get angry with God that he didn’t completely heal and restore me to where I don’t struggle at all. Goodness how I wish this was the case! I went through an incredible, Christian program where God really did meet me where I was at, nothing should be wrong with me anymore; why do I still have these thoughts and still do the old at times? As I have said before, because I live in a fallen world, where satan is alive and active, these things will still be there. It’s whether or not I choose to accept this fact, not be bitter that I still struggle at times and to realize that God is my solution to this struggle…. I have an answer unlike before, but will I choose Him? I don’t have to be this perfect, healed Meagan! It’s just not possible and if I was perfect I wouldn’t need Him, for He is perfect in my weaknesses. He calls me because of my weaknesses, not despite them, because in them he is found and seen! You see, I often times find myself having the same thought processes as Paul:
"I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
Reading Paul’s struggle between his desire to do good, but to still struggle helps me see that God understands and empathizes with me completely. He is not ignorant to the inner struggle of life and sin! I try to worship the one true God and even have good intentions to worship him, but don’t always follow through with that.
I read Matthew 6:24, God explaining why I cant have him and the world, “You cannot worship 2 Gods at once, loving one, you will end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other [you become devoted to one and despise the other].” I know this to be true because I experienced it in the past! When you become so consumed with one something, you lose sight of the other things. "I will always remember what someone once told me, whatever you place in front of God you will lose..."
Things I often times find myself worshiping and/or placing in front of God (sometimes without even realizing it):
"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.” (And I would have to add to that... at the expense of God.)
And then I read in Proverbs 27:19-21 about the way I live my life reflects the truth within my heart. How I choose to react is a reflection of my thoughts, temptations, beliefs and desires. How true is the statement "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS? Honestly, two of the biggest heart struggles I am having right now are trust and control, which I would say kind of go hand in hand. So will I choose to live a life of worship to false, unfulfilling gods or will I worship my God?
I was conversing with the Lord about my struggles with worshiping only Him and my temptation to do otherwise… he gave me these very convicting words…
“Is it easier to give into temptation than to fight the thoughts that come from resisting your fleshly desires with the truth and strength I have given you?”
POoOooowWWww- that hit me hard!!! Its sad how often I choose the to bow down to the false gods in my life rather than my true God because its comfortable, or I am fearful to do otherwise, or I am simply too lazy to fight the thoughts and emotions… Sometimes its easier to go through the motions than to be proactive and fight for my freedom. But going through the motions is no way of living, it’s not what I want and I know it’s not what God wants…
By: Matthew West
This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
Take me all the way
To sum everything up, I love this statement I read on the back of Francis Chan's book Forgotten God, "We were not created and saved merely to survive our time on earth, but to pursue the Spirit-filled lie of effectiveness God desires and we desire." My desire is not to survive through the worship of un-fulfilling, worldly things, but to live my life here as a spiritual act of worship to my one true, all-sufficient God who will in turn give me the fulfillment I yearn for beyond anything I could ever create for myself.