Childlike Faith

A couple of my favorite pictures

from when I was a little girl,

living in childlike faith...

how freeing it is to live carefree,

vulnerable, trusting & to the fullest.

I will embrace this childlike faith as a way of life

no matter what age I am.

"Truly, I say to you, whoever

does not receive the kingdom of

God like a child shall not enter it."

Mark 10:15

What I get out of my Eating Disorder (ED)...

There is a reason we do the things we do... exercise, studying, drinking, dieting, getting into unhealthy relationships, lying, sleeping, smoking, shopping, ect. We continue acting on a particular thing because we get something out of it, some sort of payoff or reward. To recognize why you participate in these actions, or what your motivation is for continuing to hang on to a certain habit (whether positive/negative) in your life its important to evaluate what you get out of the behavior you're participating in. For example: I study because I make better grades.

So the question is, what do I get out of my ED???
(Please read in a non-judgemental way, this is extremely honest)

• security
• control
• keeps me at arms length in friendships/relationship so I dont get hurt emotionally or sexually
• people dont expect as much from me when I'm struggling
• keeps me small so guys arent sexually attracted to me
• occupies my mind when I dont want to deal with my emotions
• I use it as an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations that Im too scared to face honestly
• I feel like I dont know what I am without it (its all I have known for a long time)
  
• self-sabatoge
• self punishment for past sins
• its my voice
• feel anxious/out of control without it
• keeps me somewhat needy/dependent on my parents
• keeps me from having to completely grow up

From my list I can obviously conclude that continuing to participate in my ED is not a healthy thing, but self destructive in many ways. My motivation for my ED is based on past fears, hurts or lies that I must face & deal with appropriately.

Besides the obvious physical toll ED takes on my body, its self destructive in many other ways as well. It steals:

• God
• time
  
• friends
• money
• feelings
• maturity
• peace of mind
  
• family
  
• opportunities
  
• jobs
• boyfriends
  
• enjoyment/fulfillment
• assertiveness
• self esteem
• hope
• hobbies
• IT STEALS LIFE!!!

"The thief comes only to

steal, kill & destroy;

I came that they may have life &

have it abundantly."

John 10:10

Evaluate the things that you do... what you are getting out of them & whether or not these pieces of you life are stealing from you or adding something positive in shaping you in becoming more fully who Christ made you to be!

Things Im going to Miss

Being away for 6 months I know that there will be tons of people & things that Im going to miss. Here are a few of those things that I care about, love & at times feel like I cant live without that wont be available to me while Im away.

WARNING:

some things are a bit ridiculous & perhaps even unhealthy habits that I seek comfort in at times... no laughing!

My family, of course!

Home & MILD Texas winters

My animals

my beverages

all my incredible friends

(if your not pictured it doesnt mean youre not a part of my circle of friends...

I just need a picture with you!)

My cell phone

My Bed

My MacBook

shopping & meals w/ mom

My church

my dad telling jokes & talking politics

YOGA


PLUS MANY OTHER THINGS

Its sinking in...

It's starting to sink in that I will be leaving very soon. I dont know that I will truly feel as though Im actually finally going to Mercy till I walk through the front doors. I have been waiting for this, as patiently as possible, for so long now that I cant believe its finally about to happen! My emotions are mixed & very bittersweet... Im hopeful, fearful, excited, uncertain, anxious, sad & most of all grateful.

This is completely different from anything that I have ever done before in so many ways, which is not a bad thing at all. When I have sought treatment for my ED in the past I never experienced having to wait. Before I was able to pick up the phone, tell the facility I needed/wanted help, get the insurance approval & within a few days I was there. With Mercy I had to apply, have an interview, be accepted, & wait for anundetermined amount of time. And treatment at Mercy doesnt begin when I walk through the doors, even though I tried to pull that off. It has been going on theentiretime I've been on the waiting list. I've done assignments & was given a meal plan to follow & many other things to prepare me for my time there. For a while I attempted to 'please' Mercy by doing all that was asked of me, BUT follow the meal plan & not continue to lose weight. This got me nowhere closer to admittance to Mercy only further away & at risk of losing the opportunity to go because of my lack of willingness, motivation & positive progress.

In all honesty, its strange going into treatment not completely suffocated by my ED.Its been important for me to remember that just because I've made some progress physically, mentally & spiritually doesnt mean I dont still need help. Trust me, I have thought numerous times after getting out of the hospital in August that Mercy was not needed. Luckily I have an awesome support system to hold me accountable in following through with going to Mercy (thanks yall)!

Mercy is a piece of my recovery journey & a vital one at that. I've gotten some good physical stability under my belt from being in the hospital, now its time to get to the real healing spiritually! Just because this is a incomparable path of receiving help & I'm in a different place than I usually am doesnt mean that is not needed. Different is good, especially since what Im 'used to' hasnt worked. Im sure the mixed emotions about all this have to do with the unknown of this whole journey ahead of me... a sense of being out of control, which I despise! I believe Im holding on to something that I need to give to God...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans

to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

My life-long affirmation:

I'm worth my weight in LOVE!!

(this is a card my bff Beth sent me as a reminder
of what really matters. Thanks B!)

Misconceptions about Eating Disorders

Over the years I have shared with many people about my eating disorder (ED), but I havent always been able to explain in the myths & misconceptions about EDs. Anorexia, Bulimia & Compulisive Overeating each carry their own 'stigmas,' making it difficult for objective people to truly grasp what an ED is all about.

Misconceptions include, but aren't limited to:

• People with EDs just want attention
• EDs are about the food
• Normal-weight or overweight people cant have EDs
• People with EDs dont want help
• EDs only affect white adolescent girls
• EDs are not cureable
• People w/ EDs dont like food or have no appetite
  

I know for me this has been tough at times & in other girls I've talked to, they have had similar experiences. We've dealt with: broken friendships, people giving up on you, divorce, people holding on to the expectation that eating will cure ED, ED not being diagnosed or misdiagnosed, submission to the lie that nothing can be done about the ED, treating the symptoms of EDs & not getting to the ROOT, lack of knowledge over seriousness & many other negative consquences of this misconceptions.

Re-Evaluating Our Beliefs

EDs are medical & psychological diseases – they are the most fatal mental health disorders in existence. If left untreated, these curable disorders can become a life sentence. If you are guilty of any of these misconceptions, please remember to have compassion for those suffering from EDs & other conditions, & work to serve as a positive influence in their lives. You never know how your words & actions, whether they are positive or negative will affect the person.

Many people suffer in silence & avoid seeking ED treatment for fear of being judged. ED sufferers are not callous, self-absorbed individuals to be judged & rejected. They are “high-functioning, charming, intelligent, wonderful individuals whose best traits have been covered up by their disorder,” says Dr. Cole, & they are worthy of your attention and support.

(paraphrased from outside source)

My Rainbow from God

If you look REALLY closely you can see a rainbow between the trees!
God is faithful to fulfill His promises!