Now things are starting to settle down I have just been trying to see some friends and enjoy the last few days with my family!
I have to say that being home has been bittersweet. I have truly enjoyed every moment with my family & my animals, but I also miss my sisters at Mercy and being out of the ‘Mercy Bubble’ isn’t as easy as one might think! Yes, its definitely nice to be able to have freedom… to shower when you want, eat when you want, go to bed when you want, and to have the privilege to use your cell phone and computer along with many other things, but the ‘real world’ doesn’t schedule in quiet time with the Lord, praise and worship and bible reading, nor do you have someone making sure you ‘do the right thing’ to take care of yourself, to walk in obedience to the Lord like you have at Mercy. The enemy really starts talking when you don’t have a staff member to be directly accountable to. In dealing with the temptation of giving into the enemies lies I have to:
- Recognize the lie
- Replace the lie with truth from the Word
- Decipher guilt VS. conviction
- Pray, recite scripture, listen to worship music
- Remember that feelings aren’t facts and walk in obedience regardless of how uncomfortable it may be and trust that the Lord will honor me for honoring Him.
THIS IS THE TOUGH PART... much easier said than done!
Recognizing lies as well as making the decision to do the right thing and take time to nurture my relationship with God takes discipline and commitment regardless of how immediate I see results. Since I have been home on break I have found its not the easiest even after being at Mercy for 60 plus days now. When you have all the worldly influences enticing you to seek them instead its easy to give into instant gratifcation So many times in the past I have put many things in front of God thinking those things would comfort me only to find again and again the more empty than I started out. I am much more aware of the temptations now that I have been at Mercy for a bit, and though I know the ‘truth’ about worldly pleasures its still a challenge to put the Lord first, but despite the challenge my heart yearns to please the Lord! My expectations for where I thought I would be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually was a lot higher than where I find myself. I think I was hoping that this freedom would come more easily than it has, but how do I appreciate something that didn’t take much faith and hard work? I know myself and I wont. And even though I have pleaded with the Lord to just heal me, I have to trust that His way of doing things, whatever the length of time and energy it takes is this way for a reason far beyond my comprehension.
I have to say this is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life! Yes, I have been in treatment for my eating disorder before, but this is totally different from any other approach. Ive GOT to let go and trust God knows better than I do, this is a choice I have to make, choosing life with Christ or death with ED (eating disorder). Most would think, ‘well duh, that’s an easy choice,’ but there is so much more to it than that, it’s a spiritual battle that takes a lot of fighting energy. I have battled with this eating disorder for 12 years and its very ingrained in me. Its going to take time and a continual renewing of my mind in seeing myself as God sees me.
My two months that I have been at Mercy so far have been incredibly powerful, but Im still a work in progress. I will honestly admit that I was somewhat disappointed in myself and in God when I discovered I still struggle more than I thought. I have to continually remind myself, its progress not perfection. God picks up the slack where I am lacking, He is perfect in my imperfections… this is part of being in relationship with him. I can rely on the God's grace to be sufficient, that I am being healed in the broken places within, knowing that where I am weak He will always be strong enough. I wont give up on God and I know he wont give up on me! God will faithfully fulfill his promises to me as long as I trust & obey.
God definitely placed me at Mercy at exactly the right time.. He knows the desires of my heart and he gives them to me! He knows that I love Christmas & my family is important to me, therefore he blessed me in giving me an unforgettable Christmas at Mercy PLUS a treasured Christmas at home for SEVENTEEN DAYS with my family. Although my Christmas break has been challenging at times I know God knew when he placed me at Mercy that going home for over two weeks was going to be in the mix of my time there and he has had a plan in this time away from Mercy that is a part of my healing and for that I am truly grateful!