If your could rid the world of one thing what would it be?
I believe for most, the typical answers to this question would be: war, greed, poverty and the likes, but for me it's going to be something completely different. If I could rid the world of one thing it would have to be eating disorders. Whether it's anorexia, bulimia or compulsive overeating they are all in the realm of having the highest mortality rate of any mental illness in the world. They are deadly and haunt the lives of many men and women around the world, therefore I would choose to rid the world of that which steals from so many lives, I would rid the world ofeating disorders.
Something that I am continually having to remind myself lately has been: "I must do the right thing even when I don't feel like it or it doesn't feel good." This means facing those false beliefs and lies the enemy torments me with regardless of the how 'normal' they seem, because deep down I know they are LIFE STEALING LIES. To put into practice obedience and trusting that through my steps I will begin to truly in my heart believe what God says about me rather than what the enemy says. The Truth will replace the lies, becoming second nature and the more consistent I am in practicing this I will begin to see true victory... this way of life will be my new 'normal' that I believe by what God promises me in His Word that will be far beyond normal...
One of the huge hindrances I face day in and day out is my fear. The fear I carry, when not battled against, but engaged in keeps me stuck and away from freedom and the life God wants for me. I came across this article on Freedom from Fear at The Resurgence
We cannot underestimate the importance of freedom in our lives. Freedom is one of the top reasons Jesus came to earth:
“For freedom Christ has set us free...” (Galatians 5:1).
But what does freedom mean?
What freedom isn't:
The ability to do what we want. This certainly would be freeing, but God is not calling us to do whatever we want. We can’t escape his moral law and somehow think there won’t be consequences.
The ability to do as we ought. We are now free to do the things we were created to do. But this definition still lacks because we are gold mixed with impurities. Yes, we have the power to do as we ought, but we don’t ALWAYS do right because sin is still residing in us.
An emotional expression during the music portion of a worship service. Freedom in this definition is raising hands, waving a flag, or singing loud. While I applaud anyone who can be uninhibited when the congregation is singing, this is a silly definition of freedom — not very compelling.
True freedom - Freedom is no longer having to obey fear; fear is no longer our master. We are uninhibited to be bold, to step out in faith, to risk. Irreligion produces fear because the weight of guilt and having to trust in yourself is too much for our fragile souls. Religion produces fear because we are afraid we haven’t done everything right; that the slightest error may restrain the hand of God’s blessing.
Enslaved by fear Christ has set us free from fear. The importance of this cannot be overstated because fear is our biggest slave master; and here are our top 5 greatest fears (adapted from Marcus Buckingham):
The Fear of Death — we have a need for security
The Fear of Being Alone — we have a need for community
The Fear of the Future — we have a need for clarity
The Fear of Chaos — we have a need for authority
The Fear of Insignificance — we have a need for respect.
“Religion produces fear because we are afraid we haven’t done everything right; that the slightest error may restrain the hand of God’s blessing."
Think of how these fears guide our life! Our hearts respond to every one of these fears in different ways, and each individual responds to one fear more than others (for instance, I am more afraid of insignificance than I am of death). Our response is often driven by unbelief, which leads to captivity. Fear in the every day
Some of us are so afraid of death we become overly obsessed about health, germs, and safety, consequently choosing who we will help based on security and not based on love.
Others of us are so afraid of insignificance any criticism feels like an attack and we lose relationships when people challenge us.
Jesus bought our freedom Redemption from this captivity is part of Jesus’ main work. If we examine those five fears with the eyes of faith, we can see Jesus is the answer to them all:
He is our security, even in death, because Jesus took away condemnation in death.
He is our community — he promises never to leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5)
He is our future — he controls the future and has prepared a place for us
He is our authority — all authority on heaven and earth is his (Matthew 28:18). He is accomplishing all things according to his plan.
He is our significance — Jesus alone validates and justifies our life.
I am definitely guilty of the enslavement of fear, but am beginning to make steps forward in facing each one head on. I will not allow the enemy to steal from me the Freedom that Christ freely gives me ... I will GO forward, I will FIGHT the spiritual tools the Lord has equipped me with and through Christ I will, we will WIN!!!!(Oh and if I have to get mad I will just use that as ammunition to fight the enemy for all he has stolen and his attempts to continue to do so).
For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" --Romans 8:15
I saw this cute, little turtle and couldn't resist not using it as a great illustration for the message God gives us about FEAR--
This little turtle is scared and hiding from the world, unable to live the life God has for him. God has given him the protection he needs (his shell) as protection from the enemy, but how will He even realize his potential and the protection he has if he doesn't step out and use it... So don't be like the turtle hiding in your shell of safety, whatever it may be, alone and scared-- step out in faith and trust Him and what He has given you to protect you so you can see He is faithful and a protector. How will we ever know if you don't use the freedom and protection He FREELY gives us???
I promise you what I promised Moses: ‘Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you ... No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.--Joshua 1:3-9
What fears do you need to face?
P.S. What shall we name our little turtle Friend??
"The key to feeling better isn't looking better. It is feeling better about our lives and better understanding our bodies really are- vehicles in which we can experience life. Our bodies are not life itself; they are objects of motion, not admiration."
Allegiance to myself= showing love, respect and loyalty to all of me- body, mind, soul and spirit.
The exercise for Day 2 is to read through and sign a Body Warrior Pledge. To be put simply this Pledge is a commitment to being true to your whole self...
Celebrate the temple God has given me.
Allow God & myself to be my primary sources of confidence & worth
Replace envy with admiration
Stand up for myself
Renew my mind
embrace my imperfections
Give my body what it needs
Recognize strengths
No longer put off things I want to experience
Day 3- Consider How You Feel about Yourself
Where I've been, where I'm going and
how I would like to get there....
How do you feel about yourself?
Right now, I feel like I am trying to really figure out who the real Meagan is apart from what I have found my identity in for quite a while. Its exciting, but at the same time scary. Its a day by day, moment by moment process of letting go that is uncomfortable, but at the same time freeing. Its a faith walk- trusting God to guide me in discovering who I am as His and a willingness to submit to His ways for me.
What I know about myself is- the good, the bad, the ugly...
I don't love myself
I have a lot of doubt the concept of God and his love for me
I worry about what other people think
My family means the world to me
I am too hard on myself
I am too independent and prideful
I want more than a life consumed with ed
I love to laugh
I enjoy good food and that scares me
I want a husband and kids
I fear being alone
So the next question is why do I feel this way about myself? I believe this answer is simple, probably too simple for my liking, but sufficient in explaining why I feel the way I do about myself... I feel the way I feel about myself because I do not fully trust the Lord with every aspect of my being-- His love for me, what He says about me, His faithfulness and His sovereignty. If I can just let go of what I think I know is best because obviously it has gotten me nowhere and step out blindly trusting Him, what do I have to lose??
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." --Prov. 3:5-6
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9
By walking by faith and not by sight I am trusting that this walk will bring me to a place of deeper trust and relationship with the Lord as well as a healthy, more loving and accepting sense of myself. Through establishing these things I hope to discover my true self and God's purpose in my life....
I could not have asked for a better time at home, except maybe replacing the first few days with the desire and willingness I God gave me about 5 days after I was home. I don't know what exactly triggered the change, except I knew I wanted more than wasting my life away to an ed that ultimately gave me nothing in return. Once I was able to swallow my pride, let go and begin trusting things started to shift in a positive, life-giving way making my time at home that much sweeter and refreshing spiritually, emotionally and physically!
Here is a recap, in pictures, of my break...
Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree....
Christmas Day... PRESENTS!
Rootbeer!
My precious brother
Our 'Cajun Christmas' Dinner-
(Notice the HUGE stuffed porkchop my bro had! Stuffed bell-pepper was my entree of choice)
....only the beginning of much more joy to come! "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). "-John 10:10
I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas, except maybe trading in the first couple of days for a more willing spirit... but I know that the Lord had His perfect timing in each moment at home. When I finally let go, He was more able to really move and work everything out for good. Some key factors that contributed to my change of heart included:
Discontentment & conviction in my heart; loneliness and shame
A longing for peace, happiness and freedom that was enhanced with the festivities of the Christmas season
Christmas Eve service message
My time at home being an opportunity to have extra support when sought
The unconditional love and support of my family; words can't express how blessed I am to have parents, a brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who all support and believe in me and the power of the Lord through me
The break from school and work giving me the opportunity to take time to refocus nourish my whole self
The message God gave me in my quiet time... He reminded me of a verse that I cherished while I was at Mercy: Psalm 45:11- "The King is enthralled with your beauty, honor Him for He is your Lord." This verse speaks for itself, my God thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am, because He is my God, a faithful and loving God I am able to worship Him, which enables an even greater overflow of beauty... inner beauty.
This verse is was instrumental in presenting to me prior verse, "Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention: Forget your people and your father’s house." - Psalm 45:10; To me, the Lord is saying to me in this verse, "Meagan, at this time in your life it is time to depend on ME and not be overly dependent on others..." I love this message, it is perfect for me and such reassurance as I prepared to go back to Denton. I was able to use the support of my family while there, but it's now time to fully rely on God. I will admit, sometimes it is easier to go to a person for support rather than the Lord, but I know that He is the only one that can truly give me what I need.
This lovely necklace to take home as a reminder of the significance of these verses and what they mean to me.
Between December 23 and December 28 I was stuck in a deep, dark pit where my heart was torn between being with my family and being with ed for the break. But God, in His loving-kindness, shined His light into my pit of destruction giving me a new-found willingness, desire and hope. At the beginning of my time at home I never would have dreamed I'd end up staying over 2 weeks, nor be in a better place all around. God is so good, Praise Him!
"You take my mourning turn it into dancing,
You take my weeping turn it into laughing,
You take my mourning turn it into dancing,
You take my sadness turn into joy ."
Choosing Sin...
Since being home from Mercy I have failed to fight against the enemy. Mercy was an incredible experience that I am truly so grateful for, but leaving I was not yet comfortable or confident in my new-found identity in Christ. I quickly started to believe and take to heart the lies of the enemy had been feeding me and... the biggest one, 'you are not free because you still struggle, freedom isn't possible for you.' Believing the lies led to me compromising my freedom through actively choosing to restrict. I can honestly say that I have continued to choose the eating disorder over the Lord. I am not proud of this by any means, but I have continually chosen to do what was comfortable for me, my 'normal', gone the easy way rather than what was right in the eyes of the Lord. The guilt and shame I feel through my continual wrong choices has only fed into the enemy's attacks more. Let me just tell you, sin is a scary, dark, lonely place and once your deep in that pit, its very difficult to dig out.
I want more for my life than this all-consuming, life-stealing behavior and yet over and over I have convinced myself 'it's not that bad,' or I continually put off the action of positive, life-giving change till tomorrow. But I fear that if I don't change I will live a very selfish, lonely, sad life or die. Neither sound appealing to me by any means!
Double-minded..
I have dabbled back and forth with making changes over the past semester, but nothing ever lasting more than a few days. Once it started getting hard I gave up thinking it was easier to stay with ed than fight against the attacks from the enemy.... what a LIE! I still wanted control (although it's really all an illusion, ed really had control over me), I was too fearful to completely let go and trust God- I thought I knew better than God. I was never fully surrendering to God. I love what Katie says in her recent post about surrendering and I can totally relate.
Who am I.... ?
Part of my problem is I do not know who I am without Anorexia and I am scared to completely let go and trust God to show me, to lead and guide me into a true discovery of myself.
How sad is that? My identity is anorexia. It is who I am, what I do, what I am good at. It's all I know and have known for 13 years, it's what I expect of my life and what people expect of me (or so I tell myself). The best way to understand the anorexia in my life is by equating it to being in an abusive relationship with someone. It's not a lifestyle that I am proud of by any means. Its ugly as all get out and I wouldn't believe all that I've done to engage in, to be in a relationship, with ed (eating disorder).
It's so ironic because I despise who I am with ed, and yet I don't cut off the relationship because I don't know who I am without it.... what do I truly love, enjoy, desire?? With ed I am a lonely, a liar, selfish, obsessed with nonsense, waste money on food, selfish, lethargic, spiritually dead, prideful, anxious, guilty, shameful, un-peaceful, selfish and soooo much more. I do not want to be any of these things and when I choose to replace my relationship with ed to the relationship I know I have with Christ I can be and do differently! I have finally, truly come to a place where I am truly committed to take care of myself. I can't say that there was one thing that triggered the desire to change, God has been working on me for a while. All I know is that I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually when consumed by an ed and I want more in my life, so much more than ed.
Choosing Life...
Being home with my family for the holidays has really caused me to re-evaluate my life and my choices. The first few days I was home I felt tense, shameful, guilty, sneaky and detached and I hated it. My family means the world to me and I hate to see them affect by my choices, but more importantly, in thinking about the grotesqueness of what my life has looked like for the past several months, I knew deep down I was making a choice every time I practiced my ed to to choose over life, to sin against my God and that just didn't sit right with me. And in seeing families enjoying one another through the holidays, I also knew that to have that, a husband, kids and a career one day, it would not be possible without doing different. To do what is right even when it doesn't feel good. I am finally at a place where I am willing and ready....
So since I have been on break from school and work (this coming semester is my LAST!!!), I have used this time and the support of my parents to help me get a good foundation of taking better care of myself before I go back to Denton. I've been taking it one step at a time, surrendering multiple times a day, praying... doing what I need to do to claim the victory that is already mine through Christ! I am more in Him than this ugly, life-stealing disease!
I have debated for the last several days about whether or not to get back into blogging some and decided my debating was turning into worry, fear and procrastination. I knew if was going to do it I just needed to quit thinking about it and analyzing it, like I do with EVERYTHING, and write! My thoughts and concerns varied:
what will my first post be about??
will I have the time to do this??
should I switch to a different blogging site/platform??
do people really want to hear what I have to say??
what will my first post be about? .... it needs to be something good ??
what will other people think??
can I stick to the goals I so desire to publicly acknowledge??
what will my first post be about??
Im sure there were MANY more thoughts, in fact I know there were, but most of them were fleeting-- that crazy, negative self-talk that time and time again has done nothing but keep me stuck. So, rather than answer all these questions (which if I did u might not see a posting till Summer 2011), or allow those fleeting thoughts to tear me down, I said to myself,
Everything that you are doing is keeping you from writing, from moving forward, from doing yourself a favor... Meagan, this blog, at this time is not for anyone else, but you and your health and well-being. You know you want to make positive, but tough changes in your life and believe that working towards that will helpful through writing, but by not getting your butt in gear and starting you are allowing yourself to stay stuck. You are doing what you have always done, you are living in fear. Your blog is just that, YOUR BLOG! You can do whatever the heck with it you want and it DOESN'T have to be perfect, nor does what you share have to be perfect. This season in your life is about you, your healing and growth, your journey with the Lord, allow Him to speak through you and to you in the process to touch others and quit trying to run the show, or think things have to look perfect... quit trying to control things like you know better than GOD! He doesn't ask for perfection, just progress.. He makes up for where you are lacking. (this is me talking to myself... not out loud, ha!)
Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10
So my friends, this blog, my blog, at this time in my life is for me. Its to help me rediscover who I am apart from who I have been and what I have known for the past 13 years. I so desire to have much, much more than what I have had in the past years and know that the Lord desires to give it to me if only I would trust & obey....
As a preface to my upcoming writings I want to state several things for accountability and my own sanity...
I will do my best to have no expectations about what I write and how often I write
What I post doesn't always have to be fancy or decorated (as my dad would say: 'KISS- keep it simple stupid')
I will write from my heart rather than what I think people want to hear
I will challenge myself openly physically, emotionally and spiritually and allow myself to be challenged by others.
I will do my best to have no expectations (this needs repeating)
I will not spend an unreasonable amount of time on my blogging escapades
I will be honest
I will remember that this blog is for me and if God chooses to use it to touch lives then so be it
So here is to a fresh start in the New Year!
"greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done..."
It's starting to sink in that I will be leaving very soon. I dont know that I will truly feel as though Im actually finally going to Mercy till I walk through the front doors. I have been waiting for this, as patiently as possible, for so long now that I cant believe its finally about to happen! My emotions are mixed & very bittersweet... Im hopeful, fearful, excited, uncertain, anxious, sad & most of all grateful.
This is completely different from anything that I have ever done before in so many ways, which is not a bad thing at all. When I have sought treatment for my ED in the past I never experienced having to wait. Before I was able to pick up the phone, tell the facility I needed/wanted help, get the insurance approval & within a few days I was there. With Mercy I had to apply, have an interview, be accepted, & wait for anundetermined amount of time. And treatment at Mercy doesnt begin when I walk through the doors, even though I tried to pull that off. It has been going on theentiretime I've been on the waiting list. I've done assignments & was given a meal plan to follow & many other things to prepare me for my time there. For a while I attempted to 'please' Mercy by doing all that was asked of me, BUT follow the meal plan & not continue to lose weight. This got me nowhere closer to admittance to Mercy only further away & at risk of losing the opportunity to go because of my lack of willingness, motivation & positive progress.
In all honesty, its strange going into treatment not completely suffocated by my ED.Its been important for me to remember that just because I've made some progress physically, mentally & spiritually doesnt mean I dont still need help. Trust me, I have thought numerous times after getting out of the hospital in August that Mercy was not needed. Luckily I have an awesome support system to hold me accountable in following through with going to Mercy (thanks yall)!
Mercy is a piece of my recovery journey & a vital one at that. I've gotten some good physical stability under my belt from being in the hospital, now its time to get to the real healing spiritually! Just because this is a incomparable path of receiving help & I'm in a different place than I usually am doesnt mean that is not needed. Different is good, especially since what Im 'used to' hasnt worked. Im sure the mixed emotions about all this have to do with the unknown of this whole journey ahead of me... a sense of being out of control, which I despise! I believe Im holding on to something that I need to give to God...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
