Long time no see

Well hello there... I know that it has been quite some time since I last wrote.  Needless to say a lot has happened in the time in between-- both good and not so good.  All I know for sure in the chaos of life over the past year or so God has been faithful through the ups and downs of it all.  Let me give you a brief overview of what all has gone on and in the coming days and weeks I hope to give a more in depth look at different significant events and milestones of 2011 and parts of 2012 we have experienced.

The last time I wrote I had written out a list of goals for the year 2011.  Regretfully I struggled a lot with meeting many of them.  The hope to be more gentle with myself, laugh more and honor my desires & intuition was quickly overshadowed by old ways and habits of my eating disorder....

I continued taking my final classes at UNT in the spring while also working at the University.  I got news not long after I last posted that I was short a couple hours in order to graduate in May therefore would have to make up that time in the summer semesters and wait to graduate in August.   I went ahead and resigned from my job at the University in May and took a Maymester so that I could still have somewhat of a summer.

For my birthday, Mom and Dad's anniversary and a belated birthday present for Connor we went to Maui... Our first time in Hawaii (and it won't be our last)!!!

Throughout the summer my job was job hunting for my first full time job as a college graduate.  I spent countless amounts of time and energy applying for, preparing for and interviewing with various potential places of employment.  In July I was hired at Sunrise Senior Living in Frisco to work as a Care Manager with the senior in the Independent Living Neighborhood called the Terrace Club.  My job consisted of assisting in the day to day needs and care of the residents as well as planning and executing daily activities to prolong and enhance the aging process.   
 

In August I walked across the stage receiving a degree with a Bachelor's in Psychology. 

I also got to be a part of one of my best friend's wedding.

Over this entire time my eating disorder was becoming more and more of a problem... a problem which I chose to ignore.  I was doing very little laughing, much less living for anything other than to practice my eating disorder and in the months leading up to December ed was spilling into every aspect of my life.  Before I knew it I was at death's door, scared I was going to die, but too far into the grips of ED to make choices to dig out of the hole I had created for myself.

I ended up deciding to resign from my job and I checked myself into the hospital.  I thought I would use the insurance I had left for the year as a boost to get me headed back in the right direction with my food....  Little did I know, God had much different plans and I would end up staying there almost 3 months.

This leads us up to where things are now...The first part of March I left the hospital in a much better place physically and emotionally than I came in at.  I decided to move back to Tyler and live with my parents for a stint of time until I can fully get back on my feet -- luckily my parents and Rootbeer (our dog) graciously accepted me.

In the here and now my job is recovery and taking care of me-- enjoying the little things in life so that I can one day experience the dreams I have deep in my heart.  Although 2011 didn't pan out exactly as I had hoped, as I said in the beginning, God has been faithful through it all. 

"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the LORD, who has mercy on you."   -Isaiah 54:10

An Uneven Trade

First of all, can I just tell you that the Lord truly amazes me when I least expected!  He turned something that could have been really destructive into something good because, I chose to do what was right rather than what I wanted.  See, when I registered for classes for the Spring semester I needed 13 hours to graduate.  When I looked at my options I could take an easy, lower-level, 3 hour course to add to my 12 hours, take a science with a lab (no thank you), or take a Physical Education class.  What did I do?  I went for the Phys-Ed class, despite the fact that it was right during lunch time and despite the Lord telling me otherwise, what was I thinking??  So, I was all registered before Christmas and when I came back to work in January before the semester started we had a call in the department I work for (I work on campus in the College of Business Marketing Department) about a one hour class being offered called "Personal and Professional Development..."  This got me thinking about the stupid choice I had made to take a PE class when I knew I wasn't in a place physically or emotionally to do this.  I saw this guy calling about this particular, one hour class as a total God thing!  Now the ball was in my court... would I choose obedience by taking advantage of this opportunity that he has practically thrown in my face or would I choose to satisfy my flesh and feed into my eating disorder through Physical-ED (hahaa, get it, physical eating disorder= exercise)?

After much wrestling with my flesh and the Lord I chose..... obedience!  My flesh definitely tried to get me to change my mind and had me rationalizing my first decision to take the Physical-ED class, but deep down I knew I was doing the right thing by switching the classes.  The Lord has confirmed the fact that I made the right decision as I have walked through the first couple of weeks of my last semester of undergrad (yes my LAST).  My first day of classes I remember by my second class of the day there would be no way I could have handled a P.E. class after classes all morning and without having a break to nourish my body, much less do this all semester-- NO POSSIBLE WAY!  Then, as I have gone to the class I traded the PE class with, God has been faithful in allowing this to be exactly what I need at this time in my life!  Very resourceful for planning for my future at both personal and professional levels (another plus is it only meets once a week for 50 minutes and it's not too stressful).   So I was given the opportunity to trade in a choice that would have caused further destruction in my life for something beyond compare.  I know that might seem silly- your thinking its, just a class, but to me this is some much more than just a class- it was a choice toward life and my future.  What an uneven trade! Praise God, from which all good things flow!!!!!!!

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." --Genesis 50:20

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. " --Romans 8:28

Identity

Choosing Sin...
Since being home from Mercy I have failed to fight against the enemy.  Mercy was an incredible experience that I am truly so grateful for, but leaving I was not yet comfortable or confident in my new-found identity in Christ.  I quickly started to believe and take to heart the lies of the enemy had been feeding me and... the biggest one, 'you are not free because you still struggle, freedom isn't possible for you.'  Believing the lies led to me compromising my freedom through actively choosing to restrict.  I can honestly say that I have continued to choose the eating disorder over the Lord.  I am not proud of this by any means, but I have continually chosen to do what was comfortable for me, my 'normal', gone the easy way rather than what was right in the eyes of the Lord. The guilt and shame I feel through my continual wrong choices has only fed into the enemy's attacks more.  Let me just tell you, sin is a scary, dark, lonely place and once your deep in that pit, its very difficult to dig out.

I want more for my life than this all-consuming, life-stealing behavior and yet over and over I have convinced myself 'it's not that bad,' or I continually put off the action of positive, life-giving change till tomorrow.  But I fear that if I don't change I will live a very selfish, lonely, sad life or die.   Neither sound appealing to me by any means!

Double-minded..
I have dabbled back and forth with making changes over the past semester, but nothing ever lasting more than a few days.  Once it started getting hard I gave up thinking it was easier to stay with ed than fight against the attacks from the enemy.... what a LIE!  I still wanted control (although it's really all an illusion, ed really had control over me), I was too fearful to completely let go and trust God- I thought I knew better than God.  I was never fully surrendering to God.  I love what Katie says in her recent post about surrendering and I can totally relate.

Who am I.... ?
Part of my problem is I do not know who I am without Anorexia and I am scared to completely let go and trust God to show me, to lead and guide me into a true discovery of myself.

How sad is that? My identity is anorexia. It is who I am, what I do, what I am good at. It's all I know and have known for 13 years, it's what I expect of my life and what people expect of me (or so I tell myself). The best way to understand the anorexia in my life is by equating it to being in an abusive relationship with someone.  It's not a lifestyle that I am proud of by any means.  Its ugly as all get out and I wouldn't believe all that I've done to engage in, to be in a relationship, with ed (eating disorder).

It's so ironic because I despise who I am with ed, and yet I don't cut off the relationship because I don't know who I am without it.... what do I truly love, enjoy, desire??  With ed I am a lonely, a liar, selfish, obsessed with nonsense, waste money on food, selfish, lethargic, spiritually dead, prideful, anxious, guilty, shameful, un-peaceful, selfish and soooo much more.  I do not want to be any of these things and when I choose to replace my relationship with ed to the relationship I know I have with Christ I can be and do differently!  I have finally, truly come to a place where I am truly committed to take care of myself.  I can't say that there was one thing that triggered the desire to change, God has been working on me for a while.  All I know is that I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually when consumed by an ed and I want more in my life, so much more than ed.

Choosing Life...
Being home with my family for the holidays has really caused me to re-evaluate my life and my choices.  The first few days I was home I felt tense, shameful, guilty, sneaky and detached and I hated it.  My family means the world to me and I hate to see them affect by my choices, but more importantly, in thinking about the grotesqueness of what my life has looked like for the past several months, I knew deep down I was making a choice every time I practiced my ed to to choose over life, to sin against my God and that just didn't sit right with me.  And in seeing families enjoying one another through the holidays, I also knew that to have that, a husband, kids and a career one day, it would not be possible without doing different.  To do what is right even when it doesn't feel good.  I am finally at a place where I am willing and ready....

So since I have been on break from school and work (this coming semester is my LAST!!!), I have used this time and the support of my parents to help me get a good foundation of taking better care of myself before I go back to Denton.  I've been taking it one step at a time, surrendering multiple times a day, praying... doing what I need to do to claim the victory that is already mine through Christ!  I am more in Him than this ugly, life-stealing disease!

You are More- Tenth Avenue North

Its sinking in...

It's starting to sink in that I will be leaving very soon. I dont know that I will truly feel as though Im actually finally going to Mercy till I walk through the front doors. I have been waiting for this, as patiently as possible, for so long now that I cant believe its finally about to happen! My emotions are mixed & very bittersweet... Im hopeful, fearful, excited, uncertain, anxious, sad & most of all grateful.

This is completely different from anything that I have ever done before in so many ways, which is not a bad thing at all. When I have sought treatment for my ED in the past I never experienced having to wait. Before I was able to pick up the phone, tell the facility I needed/wanted help, get the insurance approval & within a few days I was there. With Mercy I had to apply, have an interview, be accepted, & wait for anundetermined amount of time. And treatment at Mercy doesnt begin when I walk through the doors, even though I tried to pull that off. It has been going on theentiretime I've been on the waiting list. I've done assignments & was given a meal plan to follow & many other things to prepare me for my time there. For a while I attempted to 'please' Mercy by doing all that was asked of me, BUT follow the meal plan & not continue to lose weight. This got me nowhere closer to admittance to Mercy only further away & at risk of losing the opportunity to go because of my lack of willingness, motivation & positive progress.

In all honesty, its strange going into treatment not completely suffocated by my ED.Its been important for me to remember that just because I've made some progress physically, mentally & spiritually doesnt mean I dont still need help. Trust me, I have thought numerous times after getting out of the hospital in August that Mercy was not needed. Luckily I have an awesome support system to hold me accountable in following through with going to Mercy (thanks yall)!

Mercy is a piece of my recovery journey & a vital one at that. I've gotten some good physical stability under my belt from being in the hospital, now its time to get to the real healing spiritually! Just because this is a incomparable path of receiving help & I'm in a different place than I usually am doesnt mean that is not needed. Different is good, especially since what Im 'used to' hasnt worked. Im sure the mixed emotions about all this have to do with the unknown of this whole journey ahead of me... a sense of being out of control, which I despise! I believe Im holding on to something that I need to give to God...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans

to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11