July Blogging Challenge Day 9

What's your food philosophy?

It's as simple as that... 

do I live by this? 

no.

But it's something I believe in and I am working toward.

Progress, not Perfect.

Balance.  Variety.  Moderation.

July Blogging Challenge Day 8

How do you envision your life being in the next 5 years?

I've been told on many occasions to never set your expectations and if you are going to set them don't set them too high because you will often find yourself disappointed when things don't pan out like you want.  But in light of the question and a matter hoping the best for my self I would say at the very least I would like to be living in good solid recovery from my eating disorder as well as have met the man I intend to marry, if not engaged or married to him already.  This is keeping it short, sweet and attainable... the main thing I want to accomplish though is freedom from my eating disorder, if falling in love happens too great, but what matters most is my freedom, my life depends on it!

"A dream is a wish your heart makes...."

If you haven't already noticed I changed the title of my blog from Allured by Christ Through His Mercy to Eden.  The origin of Eden is of course from the book of Genesis in the Bible.  It is the Hebrew word for 'paradise'.  It also means 'delight.'

Why the change?  Well this word has been heavy on my heart for some time now for lots of different reasons, right now, for me the word represents 'beautiful', 'pure' and 'new beginnings'... 

I feel as though God planted this word in my heart for many reasons, some beyond my dreams!  If you'll recall back about a year ago I created a Vision Board with all kinds of dreams I have for the future.  Well, one of the boards included my BIG dream of having a flower/gift/coffee shop.  While I was in the hospital and working on some therapeutic matters my dream was re-awaken, but this time with a name... EDEN!  With this name came the acronym:

Extending forgiveness

Dispelling guilt & shame

Embracing unconditional love

Navigating truth

The acronym reflects more of what Eden has meant to me in my journey to forgive, love and accept myself as I am just as the Lord does.  This is something I have to do and all the time because I am super hard on myself, in fact, I am my own worse enemy.  This self-hate has caused me time and time again to pick up my lovely eating disorder as a means to feel control over whatever it was that I messed up.  And then the vicious cycle is begins again... I get mad at myself for 'failing' and using my eating disorder yet again to 'feel better' and so rather than forgive myself and move on I practice my eating disorder more and believe the LIE that it is the only thing I am good at.  So now, day by day, sometimes hour by hour, I am working on being more gentle with myself by extending forgiveness, dispelling guilt and shame and loving myself unconditionally just as the Lord does.


My hope is that Eden would be a place where this acronym can be reflected into the lives of others... I see Eden as either a shop I own and run on my own or have it connected to some type of ministry or program that gives individuals who go through their program the opportunity to work and share their talents at Eden.  Either way Eden will  be a place people can count on to have just the right gift or floral arrangement to brighten someone's day, but also a safe haven to come sit and relax at with a cup of coffee and pastry, comforting tunes and friendly faces.
      

Honestly this all seems quite impossible... my dream seems too BIG, too far fetched.  But I am going to hold onto to several of God's promises and do my part to make my dream come true believing that this dream will do more than touch my heart, but to the heart's of many others.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matt.19:26

"Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps. 37:4 

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”  Matt. 17:20

NEDA Walk 2012

Several weeks ago my parents and several friends of mine went up to Dallas for the National Eating Disorder Association Walk as Team Eden.  

NEDA is a non-profit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and families affected by eating disorders and campaigns for prevention, improved access to quality treatment, and increased research funding to better understand and treat eating disorders.  I am a definite supporter of anything related to eating disorder treatment and prevention therefore didn't give a second thought to creating a team to raise support for this organization who is contributing to giving hope and a future to those with eating disorders.

The event included information and resources for treatment and support of eating disorders both local and nationwide as well as special guest Jenni Shafer who wrote Life Without Ed & Goodbye Ed Hello Me, two books which have been great resources for my own recovery.  We were also asked to write the reason we were walking and wear it as we took our stroll through the park.

The event was quite successful.  This was Dallas' first ever walk and in comparison to other walks that have started up over the years the Dallas walk of 2012 was a top First-Time Earner with close to $35,000!  Team Eden contributed to about $1,300 of that amount!

A BIG THANKS to all who supported Team Eden & NEDA as well as all of those who have supported me over the many years I've battled this ugly eating disorder.

Long time no see

Well hello there... I know that it has been quite some time since I last wrote.  Needless to say a lot has happened in the time in between-- both good and not so good.  All I know for sure in the chaos of life over the past year or so God has been faithful through the ups and downs of it all.  Let me give you a brief overview of what all has gone on and in the coming days and weeks I hope to give a more in depth look at different significant events and milestones of 2011 and parts of 2012 we have experienced.

The last time I wrote I had written out a list of goals for the year 2011.  Regretfully I struggled a lot with meeting many of them.  The hope to be more gentle with myself, laugh more and honor my desires & intuition was quickly overshadowed by old ways and habits of my eating disorder....

I continued taking my final classes at UNT in the spring while also working at the University.  I got news not long after I last posted that I was short a couple hours in order to graduate in May therefore would have to make up that time in the summer semesters and wait to graduate in August.   I went ahead and resigned from my job at the University in May and took a Maymester so that I could still have somewhat of a summer.

For my birthday, Mom and Dad's anniversary and a belated birthday present for Connor we went to Maui... Our first time in Hawaii (and it won't be our last)!!!

Throughout the summer my job was job hunting for my first full time job as a college graduate.  I spent countless amounts of time and energy applying for, preparing for and interviewing with various potential places of employment.  In July I was hired at Sunrise Senior Living in Frisco to work as a Care Manager with the senior in the Independent Living Neighborhood called the Terrace Club.  My job consisted of assisting in the day to day needs and care of the residents as well as planning and executing daily activities to prolong and enhance the aging process.   
 

In August I walked across the stage receiving a degree with a Bachelor's in Psychology. 

I also got to be a part of one of my best friend's wedding.

Over this entire time my eating disorder was becoming more and more of a problem... a problem which I chose to ignore.  I was doing very little laughing, much less living for anything other than to practice my eating disorder and in the months leading up to December ed was spilling into every aspect of my life.  Before I knew it I was at death's door, scared I was going to die, but too far into the grips of ED to make choices to dig out of the hole I had created for myself.

I ended up deciding to resign from my job and I checked myself into the hospital.  I thought I would use the insurance I had left for the year as a boost to get me headed back in the right direction with my food....  Little did I know, God had much different plans and I would end up staying there almost 3 months.

This leads us up to where things are now...The first part of March I left the hospital in a much better place physically and emotionally than I came in at.  I decided to move back to Tyler and live with my parents for a stint of time until I can fully get back on my feet -- luckily my parents and Rootbeer (our dog) graciously accepted me.

In the here and now my job is recovery and taking care of me-- enjoying the little things in life so that I can one day experience the dreams I have deep in my heart.  Although 2011 didn't pan out exactly as I had hoped, as I said in the beginning, God has been faithful through it all. 

"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the LORD, who has mercy on you."   -Isaiah 54:10

Where Im goin'....

The first part of January I wrote out Goals for 2011 and mentioned creating a vision board.  Well, I finally finished my vision board(s) so I would like to share them and show you what is motivating me to push past struggles and discomfort so that I might obtain the desires of my heart.  

But first, let's revisit the goals I set-- in an non-condemning way-- celebrate the victories and embrace those areas that need work.

Let's do areas of struggle first: 

"But we also glory in our sufferings,  because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." --Romans 5:3-5

Daily:

*Be more gentle with myself -I'm always needing to work on this; I need to be more gracious towards myself.

*Laugh more- I have been embracing this, but I put it down because I definitely think you can never laugh too much! 

*Allow my inner desires, wants and intuition... the Holy Spirit, to shape the choices I make throughout each day & Work on balance, variety & moderation in every aspect of my life- These two areas I definitely need to work on MOST! Fear sets in and I often find myself going 'safe' rather than honoring my true self and most importantly the Lord.  I know the Lord desires for me to enjoy every aspect of life, but it's ultimately my choice whether or not I embrace the freedom he has given me.

Weekly: 

*Eat out 1-2x a week- I have eaten out a couple times since I posted goals earlier in the month, but not weekly.  I know this is an important part of moving forward and stepping out of my comfort zone to experience greater freedom. 

*Work on a few exercises from Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance -I'm going to revise this weekly goal to just working on exercises when I feel led and the extra time... Love the book, just don't want to set an expectation :)

*Treat myself to dessert- This kind of goes along with suppressing those inner desires to enjoy yummy things... I have done this a couple times, maybe, I know once for sure, but I really need to do this AT LEAST once a week!

Things I want to work on incorporating throughout the new year:

*Read more

*Face some fear foods

*Love & accept myself as a person & my body as God's temple-- This is continual regardless of where I am physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Now onto the VICTORIES....  

"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world— our faith. Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?" 1 John 5:3-5

Daily

*Be consistent with my vitamins

*Set aside quiet time for each day- and the Lord is speaking to my heart!

*Drink more water- definitely progress, but still needs work  

Weekly

*Hang out with a friend at least once a week

*Pamper myself- this comes pretty easy most the time!

*Journal 

*Laugh more

Monthly
*Attend Recovery at The Village Church- It's great to be back at Recovery!
*Meet with support system- The Lord orchestrated perfectly a Biblical Counselor who practices similar to what I was taught at Mercy, a Dietitian who is a believer and helps to empower me, and a mentor that is walking in freedom and willing to walk freedom out with me!

For the Year & What's to Come:

*Start searching/interviewing for a job- I never realized job searching took so much work.  Praise the Lord he has worked it out for to to take a class to help me along the way! Praying and believing God has his hand on the perfect position for me.  Will you join?

*Attend Passion 2011- Ticket Bought! 
*Graduate from University of North Texas- May 14, 2011
*Hawaii with my family- Date set & plane tickets bought! June 28, 2011

And now, what we have all been waiting for, the long awaited Vision Board of Meagan Nicole Vrba for 2011 and my Personal Mission statement,  Drum-roll please.... 

"To cultivate and embrace the freedom I've been given through Christ so that I may live a life that brings Him glory & praise."

First comes faith, then comes marriage, then comes a baby (or 2) in a baby-carriage!

Continued freedom, traveling, peace, a baby, exercise, joy, a dog, and a glowing happiness

Full Life: family, dancing, new car, no debt, enjoyment of all food w/o fear, health & balance...

My Big Dream... more to come in the near future, Lord willing!

There we have it!  A review of the month and what's in store for the future....

"Now faith is the assurance of things we hope for, the certainty of things we cannot see."  --Hebrews 11:1

"God you made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before you (let go)... The good people taste your goodness, the whole people taste your health and the true people taste      your truth." -Psalm 18

 

Identity

Choosing Sin...
Since being home from Mercy I have failed to fight against the enemy.  Mercy was an incredible experience that I am truly so grateful for, but leaving I was not yet comfortable or confident in my new-found identity in Christ.  I quickly started to believe and take to heart the lies of the enemy had been feeding me and... the biggest one, 'you are not free because you still struggle, freedom isn't possible for you.'  Believing the lies led to me compromising my freedom through actively choosing to restrict.  I can honestly say that I have continued to choose the eating disorder over the Lord.  I am not proud of this by any means, but I have continually chosen to do what was comfortable for me, my 'normal', gone the easy way rather than what was right in the eyes of the Lord. The guilt and shame I feel through my continual wrong choices has only fed into the enemy's attacks more.  Let me just tell you, sin is a scary, dark, lonely place and once your deep in that pit, its very difficult to dig out.

I want more for my life than this all-consuming, life-stealing behavior and yet over and over I have convinced myself 'it's not that bad,' or I continually put off the action of positive, life-giving change till tomorrow.  But I fear that if I don't change I will live a very selfish, lonely, sad life or die.   Neither sound appealing to me by any means!

Double-minded..
I have dabbled back and forth with making changes over the past semester, but nothing ever lasting more than a few days.  Once it started getting hard I gave up thinking it was easier to stay with ed than fight against the attacks from the enemy.... what a LIE!  I still wanted control (although it's really all an illusion, ed really had control over me), I was too fearful to completely let go and trust God- I thought I knew better than God.  I was never fully surrendering to God.  I love what Katie says in her recent post about surrendering and I can totally relate.

Who am I.... ?
Part of my problem is I do not know who I am without Anorexia and I am scared to completely let go and trust God to show me, to lead and guide me into a true discovery of myself.

How sad is that? My identity is anorexia. It is who I am, what I do, what I am good at. It's all I know and have known for 13 years, it's what I expect of my life and what people expect of me (or so I tell myself). The best way to understand the anorexia in my life is by equating it to being in an abusive relationship with someone.  It's not a lifestyle that I am proud of by any means.  Its ugly as all get out and I wouldn't believe all that I've done to engage in, to be in a relationship, with ed (eating disorder).

It's so ironic because I despise who I am with ed, and yet I don't cut off the relationship because I don't know who I am without it.... what do I truly love, enjoy, desire??  With ed I am a lonely, a liar, selfish, obsessed with nonsense, waste money on food, selfish, lethargic, spiritually dead, prideful, anxious, guilty, shameful, un-peaceful, selfish and soooo much more.  I do not want to be any of these things and when I choose to replace my relationship with ed to the relationship I know I have with Christ I can be and do differently!  I have finally, truly come to a place where I am truly committed to take care of myself.  I can't say that there was one thing that triggered the desire to change, God has been working on me for a while.  All I know is that I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually when consumed by an ed and I want more in my life, so much more than ed.

Choosing Life...
Being home with my family for the holidays has really caused me to re-evaluate my life and my choices.  The first few days I was home I felt tense, shameful, guilty, sneaky and detached and I hated it.  My family means the world to me and I hate to see them affect by my choices, but more importantly, in thinking about the grotesqueness of what my life has looked like for the past several months, I knew deep down I was making a choice every time I practiced my ed to to choose over life, to sin against my God and that just didn't sit right with me.  And in seeing families enjoying one another through the holidays, I also knew that to have that, a husband, kids and a career one day, it would not be possible without doing different.  To do what is right even when it doesn't feel good.  I am finally at a place where I am willing and ready....

So since I have been on break from school and work (this coming semester is my LAST!!!), I have used this time and the support of my parents to help me get a good foundation of taking better care of myself before I go back to Denton.  I've been taking it one step at a time, surrendering multiple times a day, praying... doing what I need to do to claim the victory that is already mine through Christ!  I am more in Him than this ugly, life-stealing disease!

You are More- Tenth Avenue North

Goals for 2011

 And the LORD answered me: "Write the vision; make it 
plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—
it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay."  --Habakkuk 2:2-3

Daily

*Be more gentle with myself

*Be consistent with my vitamins

*Set aside quiet time for each day

*Work on balance, variety & moderation in every aspect of my life

*Drink more water

*Laugh more

*Allow my inner desires, wants and intuition... the Holy Spirit, 

to shape the choices I make throughout each day

Weekly

*Hang out with a friend at least once a week

*Eat out 1-2x a week

*Work on a few exercises from Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance

*Treat myself to dessert

*Pamper myself (massage, pedicure, movie)

*Journal

Monthly

*Attend Recovery at The Village Church

*Meet with support system

*Give to church

*Save some $$$$

For the Year

*Attend Passion 2011

*Graduate from University of North Texas

*Hawaii with my family

*Start searching/interviewing for a job

*Hopefully get a new car, or at least start looking for one!

*See some of my Mercy Sisters

Things I want to work on incorporating throughout the new year:

*Read more

*Face some fear foods

*Get to a place where I can workout again

*Better manage my free time
*Love & accept myself as a person & my body as God's temple

*Cook more actual meals

*Go to the grocery store less

Hopes, Dreams & Desires of my heart...

VISION BOARD TO COME!

**Disclaimer: Additional goals may be added throughout the year**

What's most important to you for 2011?

my blog

 

I have debated for the last several days about whether or not to get back into blogging some and decided my debating was turning into worry, fear and procrastination.  I knew if was going to do it I just needed to quit thinking about it and analyzing it, like I do with EVERYTHING, and write!  My thoughts and concerns varied:

• what will my first post be about??
• will I have the time to do this??
• should I switch to a different blogging site/platform??
• do people really want to hear what I have to say??
• what will my first post be about? .... it needs to be something good ??
• what will other people think??
• can I stick to the goals I so desire to publicly acknowledge??
• what will my first post be about??

Im sure there were MANY more thoughts, in fact I know there were, but most of them were fleeting-- that crazy, negative self-talk that time and time again has done nothing but keep me stuck.   So, rather than answer all these questions (which if I did u might not see a posting till Summer 2011), or allow those fleeting thoughts to tear me down, I said to myself,

Everything that you are doing is keeping you from writing, from moving forward, from doing yourself a favor... Meagan, this blog, at this time is not for anyone else, but you and your health and well-being.   You know you want to make positive, but tough changes in your life and believe that working towards that will helpful through writing, but by not getting your butt in gear and starting you are allowing yourself to stay stuck.  You are doing what you have always done, you are living in fear.  Your blog is just that, YOUR BLOG! You can do whatever the heck with it you want and it DOESN'T have to be perfect, nor does what you share have to be perfect.  This season in your life is about you, your healing and growth, your journey with the Lord, allow Him to speak through you and to you in the process to touch others and quit trying to run the show, or think things have to look perfect... quit trying to control things like you know better than GOD!  He doesn't ask for perfection, just progress.. He makes up for where you are lacking. (this is me talking to myself... not out loud, ha!)

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:10

So my friends, this blog, my blog, at this time in my life is for me.  Its to help me rediscover who I am apart from who I have been and what I have known for the past 13 years.  I so desire to have much, much more than what I have had in the past years and know that the Lord desires to give it to me if only I would trust & obey....

As a preface to my upcoming writings I want to state several things for accountability and my own sanity...

• I will do my best to have no expectations about what I write and how often I write
• What I post doesn't always have to be fancy or decorated (as my dad would say: 'KISS- keep it simple stupid')
• I will write from my heart rather than what I think people want to hear
• I will challenge myself openly physically, emotionally and spiritually and allow myself to be challenged by others.
• I will do my best to have no expectations (this needs repeating)
• I will not spend an unreasonable amount of time on my blogging escapades
• I will be honest
• I will remember that this blog is for me and if God chooses to use it to touch lives then so be it

So here is to a fresh start in the New Year! 

"greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done..."

Where I've been & Where I'm going...

My life story up until now has been far from what I ever dreamed my life would be like. The journey I have been on has been quite a roller coaster… I’ve experienced happiness, loss, hurt, abuse, love, growth, a need to control, fear, anxiety, peace, understanding, pain, depression, shame & hope. God has definitely rocked my world, continually reminding me that I am nothing without Him, but in Him I can do ALL THINGS, including overcoming the obstacles I face.

It has taken me years to grasp this concept that the Lord is my only source to true freedom. I have struggled with anorexia & many other life-stealing issues for 12 years now. My eating disorder (ED) first surfaced as a completely innocent action of simply ‘watching what I ate.’ You see I grew up being really thin (not on purpose) & received lots of comments about how little I was. Ill never forget my dad always saying I had bird legs and calling me Olive Oil (from Popeye). He wasn’t the only one to comment though, many others had their own things to say. I never took offense to any of the comments, they were a compliment to me. Little did I or anyone else know that this attention I got from my thinness reinforced my desire to stay thin. Needless to say, as I began to experience the loveliness of puberty, I unconsciously wanted to maintain my thinness. Its crazy how something so innocent can turn into something that steals your life from you. I had no idea what I was getting myself into…

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

I simply wanted to feel in control of something, because everything around me seemed to be changing or out of my hands. Between losing to death or distance, changes in my body, the ups & downs of relationships & many other circumstances many of us experience growing up. I hated all the uncertainty & the powerlessness I was continually battling day to day over many people, places & circumstances. The truth of the matter was… I didn’t trust the Lord & the fact that he was in control & has known the whole time what he was doing with my life & all things I was dealing with, both good & bad. But since I was unable to give my worries to the Lord, I tried my best control them myself through anorexia. Before I knew it the once innocent action of dieting wasn’t so simple anymore. The control I longed for & felt like I had a glimpse of at first soon consumed every aspect of my life.

This illusion of control I felt I had actually has had control over me. My once innocent desire for control has literally starved my body, starved my heart & completely starved my soul leaving me empty & guilty of allowing satan to steal from me so many things. As a believer I have the choice to choose freedom through Christ or death through my sinful ways. My desire is to receive & fully embrace the free gift of an abundant life that is mine through Christ by actively turning away from sin. This sounds simple, but it’s not… having lived in the grips of anorexia for so long I’ve developed a way of life with this disease playing a major role in who I am & what I do. Ill be honest, its scary thinking of life without an ED, because its all Ive known for so long. To me my eating disorder is my identity, my best friend, my comfort, my strength, my control & has ultimately become my god. But in all that my ED has taken away from me I look forward to the freedom that’s all mine!

“For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8:13-17

My motivation for keeping a blog about my journey of healing my heart, body, mind & soul is to share with each of you how the Lord has been doing & will continue to do in my life. I also want to keep everyone who has been so kind to pray for me up to date on my journey & to offer hope to anyone struggling with any sort of hurt, unhealthy habit or hang up.

For those of you who don’t know, I will be leaving for Mercy Ministries in Nashville, TN October 13, 2009 (see below for more info about Mercy). At Mercy I will continue my journey of healing for about 6 months. While I am away I plan to keep you updated by writing about my experiences & sending them home for my mom to post on here. Im sure she will also keep you updated by what I write her in personal letters to her & our conversations on the phone.

Yah, so I’m not going to have access to a computer, ahhhh!!! Im sure I’ll live though, ha! It will be good for me to get away & stay focused on the Lord & my recovery. If your interested in going old school & writing me by snail mail I’d love to hear from you! Please know that I will do my best to write you back, but will be very busy while I am away.

The address is: Meagan Vrba

c/o Mercy Ministries

15328 Old Hickory Blvd

Nashville, TN 37211

Thank you so much for your continued prayers, support & words of encouragement. They are all very much appreciated & felt. I am incredibly blessed to have you all as a part of my life!

Much love- Meagan