Thursday, January 6, 2011

Identity

Choosing Sin...
Since being home from Mercy I have failed to fight against the enemy.  Mercy was an incredible experience that I am truly so grateful for, but leaving I was not yet comfortable or confident in my new-found identity in Christ.  I quickly started to believe and take to heart the lies of the enemy had been feeding me and... the biggest one, 'you are not free because you still struggle, freedom isn't possible for you.'  Believing the lies led to me compromising my freedom through actively choosing to restrict.  I can honestly say that I have continued to choose the eating disorder over the Lord.  I am not proud of this by any means, but I have continually chosen to do what was comfortable for me, my 'normal', gone the easy way rather than what was right in the eyes of the Lord. The guilt and shame I feel through my continual wrong choices has only fed into the enemy's attacks more.  Let me just tell you, sin is a scary, dark, lonely place and once your deep in that pit, its very difficult to dig out.

I want more for my life than this all-consuming, life-stealing behavior and yet over and over I have convinced myself 'it's not that bad,' or I continually put off the action of positive, life-giving change till tomorrow.  But I fear that if I don't change I will live a very selfish, lonely, sad life or die.   Neither sound appealing to me by any means!

Double-minded..
I have dabbled back and forth with making changes over the past semester, but nothing ever lasting more than a few days.  Once it started getting hard I gave up thinking it was easier to stay with ed than fight against the attacks from the enemy.... what a LIE!  I still wanted control (although it's really all an illusion, ed really had control over me), I was too fearful to completely let go and trust God- I thought I knew better than God.  I was never fully surrendering to God.  I love what Katie says in her recent post about surrendering and I can totally relate.

Who am I.... ?
Part of my problem is I do not know who I am without Anorexia and I am scared to completely let go and trust God to show me, to lead and guide me into a true discovery of myself.

How sad is that? My identity is anorexia. It is who I am, what I do, what I am good at. It's all I know and have known for 13 years, it's what I expect of my life and what people expect of me (or so I tell myself). The best way to understand the anorexia in my life is by equating it to being in an abusive relationship with someone.  It's not a lifestyle that I am proud of by any means.  Its ugly as all get out and I wouldn't believe all that I've done to engage in, to be in a relationship, with ed (eating disorder).

It's so ironic because I despise who I am with ed, and yet I don't cut off the relationship because I don't know who I am without it.... what do I truly love, enjoy, desire??  With ed I am a lonely, a liar, selfish, obsessed with nonsense, waste money on food, selfish, lethargic, spiritually dead, prideful, anxious, guilty, shameful, un-peaceful, selfish and soooo much more.  I do not want to be any of these things and when I choose to replace my relationship with ed to the relationship I know I have with Christ I can be and do differently!  I have finally, truly come to a place where I am truly committed to take care of myself.  I can't say that there was one thing that triggered the desire to change, God has been working on me for a while.  All I know is that I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually when consumed by an ed and I want more in my life, so much more than ed.

Choosing Life...
Being home with my family for the holidays has really caused me to re-evaluate my life and my choices.  The first few days I was home I felt tense, shameful, guilty, sneaky and detached and I hated it.  My family means the world to me and I hate to see them affect by my choices, but more importantly, in thinking about the grotesqueness of what my life has looked like for the past several months, I knew deep down I was making a choice every time I practiced my ed to to choose over life, to sin against my God and that just didn't sit right with me.  And in seeing families enjoying one another through the holidays, I also knew that to have that, a husband, kids and a career one day, it would not be possible without doing different.  To do what is right even when it doesn't feel good.  I am finally at a place where I am willing and ready....

So since I have been on break from school and work (this coming semester is my LAST!!!), I have used this time and the support of my parents to help me get a good foundation of taking better care of myself before I go back to Denton.  I've been taking it one step at a time, surrendering multiple times a day, praying... doing what I need to do to claim the victory that is already mine through Christ!  I am more in Him than this ugly, life-stealing disease!

You are More- Tenth Avenue North

6 comments:

MercyGrad09 said...[Reply to comment]

I LOVE THIS!!!
This is being bookmarked/printed off/sewn in my heart at this very moment. I was just talking to my boyfriend about how I felt like I was so distant from God and how irritated it is because "I know how I'm not free anymore" LIE. LIE. LIE. And this whole post is just a perfect way to put it into words. God is definitely using this to change my heart and open my eyes. You are absolutely right--you are MORE than ED, or anything the enemy tells. Your idenity is in CHRIST! Not even what you like to do (I struggle with that a ton too, trying to figure it out) but Christ alone. Being a beautiful daughter of the Most-High. That's who YOU, Meagan, who YOU are. I hope you really take what God has taught you today to heart. I will as well. Love you sister!

Kelly Gutting said...[Reply to comment]

Meagan-thank you so much for posting this and being so open and honest!!! I am literally sitting here crying tears of joy right now that you are coming back and remembering your identity in Christ! It is so encouraging to hear the journey that God is bringing you on. I recognize so many of those lies that you talked about as ones I hear every day and reading this gave me fresh courage to fight! I love you and will be praying for you!

Meagan said...[Reply to comment]

My mercy sisters... thanks for your words of encouragement. Its a difficult journey, but I know worth it. An active role of choosing to do the right thing no matter what. Willingness, determination not to let the enemy win!

Funny thing, I really got tired of listening to Joyce at Mercy, but I have been watching her in the morning and GOd truly has used that woman to put some pep in my step!

Love you ladies!

Anonymous said...[Reply to comment]

Meagan, that was such an honest post, thank you for posting it. I'm so proud of you and excited with what the Lord is doing in you. You can do ALL things through Him, and it's so cool to see you running to Him! :-) I know you can continue to follow Him over the lies... He came to give you life in its FULLNESS (which an ed is not!)!

Anonymous said...[Reply to comment]

That last comment was me :)

Meagan said...[Reply to comment]

@Anonymous

who???

Post a Comment