Since being home from Mercy I have failed to fight against the enemy. Mercy was an incredible experience that I am truly so grateful for, but leaving I was not yet comfortable or confident in my new-found identity in Christ. I quickly started to believe and take to heart the lies of the enemy had been feeding me and... the biggest one, 'you are not free because you still struggle, freedom isn't possible for you.' Believing the lies led to me compromising my freedom through actively choosing to restrict. I can honestly say that I have continued to choose the eating disorder over the Lord. I am not proud of this by any means, but I have continually chosen to do what was comfortable for me, my 'normal', gone the easy way rather than what was right in the eyes of the Lord. The guilt and shame I feel through my continual wrong choices has only fed into the enemy's attacks more. Let me just tell you, sin is a scary, dark, lonely place and once your deep in that pit, its very difficult to dig out.
I want more for my life than this all-consuming, life-stealing behavior and yet over and over I have convinced myself 'it's not that bad,' or I continually put off the action of positive, life-giving change till tomorrow. But I fear that if I don't change I will live a very selfish, lonely, sad life or
I have dabbled back and forth with making changes over the past semester, but nothing ever lasting more than a few days. Once it started getting hard I gave up thinking it was easier to stay with ed than fight against the attacks from the enemy.... what a LIE! I still wanted control (although it's really all an illusion, ed really had control over me), I was too fearful to completely let go and trust God- I thought I knew better than God. I was never fully surrendering to God. I love what Katie says in her recent post about surrendering and I can totally relate.
Who am I.... ?
Part of my problem is I do not know who I am without Anorexia and I am scared to completely let go and trust God to show me, to lead and guide me into a true discovery of myself.
How sad is that?
It's so ironic because I despise who I am with ed, and yet I don't cut off the relationship because I don't know who I am without it.... what do I truly love, enjoy, desire?? With ed I am a lonely, a liar, selfish, obsessed with nonsense, waste money on food, selfish, lethargic, spiritually dead, prideful, anxious, guilty, shameful, un-peaceful, selfish and soooo much more. I do not want to be any of these things and when I choose to replace my relationship with ed to the relationship I know I have with Christ I can be and do differently! I have finally, truly come to a place where I am truly committed to take care of myself. I can't say that there was one thing that triggered the desire to change, God has been working on me for a while. All I know is that I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and spiritually when consumed by an ed and I want more in my life, so much more than ed.
Being home with my family for the holidays has really caused me to re-evaluate my life and my choices. The first few days I was home I felt tense, shameful, guilty, sneaky and detached and I hated it. My family means the world to me and I hate to see them affect by my choices, but more importantly, in thinking about the grotesqueness of what my life has looked like for the past several months, I knew deep down I was making a choice every time I practiced my ed to to choose over life, to sin against my God and that just didn't sit right with me. And in seeing families enjoying one another through the holidays, I also knew that to have that, a husband, kids and a career one day, it would not be possible without doing different. To do what is right even when it doesn't feel good. I am finally at a place where I am willing and ready....
So since I have been on break from school and work (this coming semester is my LAST!!!), I have used this time and the support of my parents to help me get a good foundation of taking better care of myself before I go back to Denton. I've been taking it one step at a time, surrendering multiple times a day, praying... doing what I need to do to claim the victory that is already mine through Christ! I am more in Him than this ugly, life-stealing disease!
You are More- Tenth Avenue North